Monday, April 17, 2006


Sometimes it becomes necessary to be able to put forth a few good reasons why a feller should purchase a few toys. Especially when others just can't seem to understand why you need foolish items.
For me it was first a nice 4-wheeler. I was clever enough to get it with a snow plow so I could keep the driveway clear during those winter blizzards. No one wants to get snowed in and possibly starve or freeze to death when the fuel oil man can't get in to fill the tank.
Think about that! It is no doubt a safety issue! Frozen hands and feet from having to shovel snow. Everyone knows shoveling snow causes many fatal heart attacks each winter.
Now I have an AATV,( amphibious all terrain vehicle). I bought it to use during moose season.
At 63 years of age, I don't need to be packing 150 lbs of moose meat. Besides, it provides for a nice ride into and out of the woods. It is also safe because it keeps me inside away from those mean old bears that want to steal my meat. To say nothing about keeping the rain off of my poor old head, which keeps me from getting sick.
I know very well that I save more in Doctor bills to cover the payments of the rig. I also would much rather be out playing in the mud than sitting in a Doctor's office waiting to get pills that are sure to make me sicker.
Recently I wasn't feeling well, so I went to the Doctor to get some pills to cure me. Soon I had other symptoms and was even sicker. The good old Doctor gave me more pills to make the second set of symptoms get better. Well, soon I had some worse symptoms. He gave me yet some more pills to heal the last symptoms. It wasn't long before I had yet a different set of ugly symptoms in which I was given some more pills to take care of those too. Guess what??
Yeah, I was almost "pilled" to death. The only thing that saved me was I had so many symptoms that the good old Doc. ran out of pills to cover the new symptoms.
By then I finally tossed all of the pills in the garbage.
In a few days I was feeling fine. It turns out that all I needed was a big bowl of ham-hocks and beans to get the old digestive system moving along.
I said all of that to say this...If I had been out playing with my atv's, I wouldn't have gotten so stoved up and feeling sick. I am convinced that staying outside and active will stop most all of the things that make us sickly. It only makes sense to own atv's to keep us alive.
I use mine to haul wood up the hill, get the paper, chase mean dogs, go fishing and for just out playing. All of those reasons are plenty of justification to go out and buy your own.
You can either pay the Doctor, or pay those small atv payments.
I don't know what the cost of a divorce is now days, but as I heard one comedian say recently, " I just love the smell of a new ( ATV) wife."

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Bubba and The Hospital Rules??

A couple of years ago I had to spend a week in the local hospital getting my innards sewed back together from a prison injury.
It was one long difficult trip. I almost starved to death, and the infection almost killed me.
The first day I was presented with a big bowl on my tray which looked like it could contain food. It was covered with a lid to hide the contents. My high hopes were soon deflated by a bowl of brown colored juice of some sort. I think they called it "broth".
Day number two was no better as was days three and four.
The "Dungeon Master,"( nurse), came in and asked me if there was any gas yet. I sheepishly said, " No, so far I'm vapor-locked".She proceeded to tell me that I wasn't going home until I had a BM.
I told her that there was no way that could happen by only eating that dad-blasted "broth". I asked her how much of that stuff would it take to produce anything.
I was instructed to get up and walk as much as I could to help the process along. I must have dragged that IV stand a hundred miles up and down that hall. I even challenged another old codger to a IV stand race. He looked at me with a frown and hobbled off down the hall.
During one trip I passed the door of an old lady that was operated on the same day that I was, and she let out a rap so loud that I almost stumbled over my IV stand.
The nurse at the end of the hall yelled down and said, "Bubba, was that you?" I told her that I only wished that I could rip one that loud. I told her that I couldn't do that good in good health, let alone with a belly full of stitches.
Finally on day six they brought me some real food. By then I told them that I was so weak from starvation that I doubted if I would ever be able to pass gas. They brought me a cup of good old prune juice about every hour on day six, and by that night the war was on.
I told the Head Nurse that I had been thrown out of the house many times due to gas, but this was the first time that I couldn't get thrown out until I dunnit!!
None of this makes much sense to me.
Recently I told my wife that I wasn't really guilty of gas, but the older I get, the smaller I get, so all I was actually doing was "vaporizing". She wasn't impressed by my explanation. She simply said that the next time I decided to vaporize, I could do it standing out on the porch.
It's snowing today and I have a real chill in my old bones.